I used to think ambition was a good things.
Lately, I think it's more like a pet parrot - it looks good on other people.


I don't know if I have struck on the right formula though.
I use objects to balance things.
Is it possible to do that without them?


I have a dependency on material objects.
Sometimes I feel self-conscious that I can find comfort in things.
Sometimes I am grateful that I can find comfort so easily.


Holy crap, I just had a narrow escape! Have you ever had a narrow escape? Usually I don't.
I just spent three plus weeks desperately searching for a way to be passionate about a project,
and the project took me farther and farther away from here. Suddenly, on the verge of committing further, my brain shouted at me that it wants to be here, with paper and pen, and paint
- which is ironic since when I am here, my brain is usually whispering that I'm an idiot...
Well, I'm back.
Shut up brain.


Have you ever had one of those days when you're waiting to hear back from the doctor to find out if the blood test showed anemia or an out-of-whack-thyroid or electrolytes out of balance or something else to explain the pronounced heartbeat you've been experiencing for nearly a week because otherwise you have to schedule an echocardiogram with the specialist whose specialty is structural heart diseases (but it's probably just stress); and you're waiting with bated breath for evidence that the diahrea has gone away and you do not have to submit a stool sample (in no less than 4 different vials); and you are back to using a little Bactroban inside your nose because there are some irritations as a result of the hair trimming because unwanted facial hair is the steep price you pay for having camel-like eyelashes that everyone thinks are so enviable, but you really always want to point out the downsides when you get compliments on the lashes except you know that it is totally socially unacceptable to have this problem and in fact you live in mortal fear that anyone would find out and then you wouldn't be loved anymore; and you have two unfinished sweaters and a scarf waiting on needles but you just cast on another scarf, with an idea for a third; and you have an unfinished birthday gift for a friend that is in fact her unfinished Christmas gift, and if it doesn't become her finished birthday gift soon it is going to aspire to be a finished Christmas gift, again; and you miss your mom because she is away on a trip, but when she is here you totally take her for granted; and the confirmation email for the item you ordered from Japan showed that it was shipped to your address, minus your zip code; and you are frustrated because you don't know how to start a project that you want to start, and have wanted to start, for over a year; and you are contemplating starting a different project that you do know exactly how to start but you have conflicted feelings about starting it, and in fact whenever you think about starting it, your heart starts to beat in a kind of pronounced way?
Me neither.


Struggling with the who and what of my self only happens when I think I need an answer.


It's childish to blame others, and
it's childish to look for heroes.
I do both.


Sometimes I am making breakfast, or dinner, or talking with a friend, or calling to make an appointment, or helping someone with directions, or telling a cab driver where to go, and it occurs
to me that
I am a grown up.
A functioning grown up person.
I am no longer a scared little child sitting in the backseat being driven to any number of
birthday parties that I was terrified to attend while my parents argued over my immediate fate
- blame, accusations, guilt, all swirling around the car.
And then sometimes I think...I still am.



I spend a fair amount of time contemplating my participation/development/progress in different areas. I also spend a fair amount of time fearing my participation/development/progress in different areas.
Fear impedes participation/development/progress.


I have so many fears, big and small.
My project for this year is to find out if there is a way
to shield myself from some of my fears.
I'll explain.


It's fascinating the way life, if you're patient, or awake, opens up and exposes new.
New feelings, new thoughts, new knowledge.
Very uncomfortable.
Very valuable.
Nothing is concrete.